Angry People & Relationship Advice

Angry People; Relationship Advice

http://www.facebook.com/yemisi.oderinlo?sk=photos -- Quotes of the Week -- Article: How To Deal With Angry People: A Survival Guide - By Dr. Tony Fiore -- Article: 4 Tips For Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended - By Susie and Otto Collins -- Book Review: The Hidden POWER of Your Past Lives - By Sandra Anne Taylor -- Inspirational News Story of the Week -- How to Subscribe and Unsubscribe from this Newsletter ------------------------------------------------------------ ***

Quotes of the Week *** ------------------------------------------------------------

They envy the distinction I have won; let them therefore, envy my toils, my honesty, and the methods by which I gained it. - Sallust, 86 BC-34 BC This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. - George Bernard Shaw, 1856-1950 Courage is of no value unless accompanied by justice; yet if all men became just, there would be no need for courage. - Agesilaus the Second, 444 BC-360 BC 
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Article: How To Deal With Angry People: A Survival Guide - By Dr. Tony Fiore *** ------------------------------------------------------------

Dealing with angry people in our society is becoming increasingly challenging. Some days, it seems anger surrounds us at home, in the workplace, on the roadways, and at sports events. It is easy to get caught up in an escalating spiral of angry exchanges which usually upsets everyone and does nothing to improve communication or solve the problem at hand. As an alternative, this survival guide is designed to provide practical tips on how to deal with two types of angry people in your life:

(1) explosive people who might be dangerous and

(2) people who are chronically angry toward you.

PART 1
EIGHT TIPS TO DEAL WITH EXPLOSIVE PERSONS WHO CONFRONT YOU: DEFUSING POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS SITUATIONS:

1. Do not respond in kind. Hostility often begets more hostility. Respond instead with a non-hostile message to defuse people who are behaving in a hostile manner toward you. The classic example of this is in when simple inconsiderate driving or even aggressive driving suddenly escalates into road rage due to two drivers ratcheting up hostility in response to the other's hostile acts, words, or gestures. Please remember that in these and other hostile situations, you contribute somewhat to the outcome by your decision to return hostility or not.

2. Take their upset seriously and validate their feelings. Listen to what they have to say and hear them out; ignoring them or minimizing their feelings will tend to escalate their anger further. There have been untold numbers of workplace violence incidents that could have been averted had supervisors or managers listened with empathy to disgruntled employees rather than responding in an insensitive, or uncaring manner.

3. Never argue with someone when they are intoxicated. When someone is drinking or intoxicated, this is no time to try to solve relationship or other problems (especially if you too have had a few drinks). A high percentage of angry confrontations as well spousal abuse arrests occur when drinking is involved by one or both partners. Drinking often impairs judgment, decreases inhibitions (resulting in saying things we don't mean), and distorts your normally astute reasoning ability.

4. Respond to the feelings they are having - not the content of what they are saying. Try to hear and respond to the underlying hurt or pain the person is experiencing underneath the angry words. Use statements such as "I can appreciate why you feel that way," "It sounds like you are very angry right now," "Many people feel the way you do."

5. On roadway, don't make eye contact with an aggressive driver. This is the secret signal in the animal world to engage in combat and will frequently escalate things, sometimes into "road rage." Just ignore aggressive drivers and stay out of their way.

6. Allow angry people to physically escape the situation. Don't block their way or prevent egress, or you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation. Take off the heat rather than increasing the pressure! Don't insist on solving the problem "now" when the other person is in an agitated state.

7. Don't defend yourself by attacking back at them or their character flaws. Defensiveness often escalates anger in the other person and, in fact, is one of the predictors of divorce, according to recent marital research. There is a time to present your side, but not when your partner is unable to hear it due to his or her anger.

8. Don't try to solve an emotional issue with logical arguments. Trying to diffuse an angry person with overwhelming evidence of their thinking errors or mistakes in logic, or facts to the contrary, or reasons for why they shouldn't feel the way they do, or why they should feel differently - usually makes the situation worse.

Part 2 

HOW TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE WHO ARE CHRONICALLY ANGRY TOWARD YOU.

1. Consider changing your behavior that triggers their anger. Sometimes the most practical thing to do is to change whatever it is that triggers anger in people close to you. Not that you should go overboard on this, but simple changes can do a lot, especially if they don't lower your self-esteem or don't "cost" you a lot to change.

2. Think about terminating the relationship. Truth is, some relationships we get involved in are so "toxic" that it is self-abusive to continue in them or to try and repair them. At times, you need to protect yourself from people in your life who create an atmosphere that is not good for your well-being.

3. Limit your time spent with them. If terminating the relationship is too drastic of a step, consider simply limiting the time you spend with toxic people in your life. Decide you can put up with the person several times a year at the family Christmas party, for instance, or that you will be tolerant toward your angry ex-spouse once a week for the sake of your children.

4. Ask them directly why they are often appear angry toward you. A straight line is the shortest distance between two points. Sometimes the quickest way to find out why someone appears constantly angry with you is to simply ask them. They may not even realize they were communicating angrily toward you, so your inquiry may open up a great opportunity for dialogue.

5. Communicate clearly how their negativity affects you. Honestly letting people know how their behavior is affecting you emotionally is often an "eye-opener" to the other person. Start with "I feel" statements rather than "you" or "you should" statements.

6. Adjust your expectations of them. People may be chronically angry toward you because you communicate that they are disappointing you in some way and they are perceiving you as overly critical. Adjusting those expectations you have toward others may result in their being less angry toward you!

7. Stop trying to solve unsolvable problems in a relationship. According to some marital researchers, up to 60% of issues in a relationship are unsolvable due to the couple's being "gridlocked" around it. Trying to solve unsolvable problems creates much anger. Instead, find a way to dialogue about the issues and live with each other around them, rather than trying to fix them.

8. Suggest ways to remedy anger, if the other person acknowledges he or she has an anger problem. If the angry person in your life is open to it, suggest an evaluation by a psychologist or physician to determine what the problem is. There are many underlying problems such as Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD), Bipolar Disorder, and other conditions which can lead to anger problems. Often, anger management classes are recommended in addition to treatment of an underlying problem. ** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here. About the Author: Dr. Tony Fiore is a licensed psychologist, marital therapist and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, offer classes, programs, and products to individuals and couples, including an innovative online anger management program. Dr. Fiore can be reached at 714-771-0378 or visit his website at http://www.angercoach.com. ------------------------------------------------------------ ***

 4 Tips For Moving Forward When Your Relationship has Ended - By Susie and Otto Collins *** ------------------------------------------------------------

It seems that everywhere you look, many long-standing (or short) relationships and/or marriages are dissolving. If you're like most people, when this happens, you find yourself stuck in thinking about the past, wondering what went wrong, and unable to move from the pain of the relationship. You might even fear that any future relationship will turn out the same. It doesn't matter whether you left the relationship or were left--the best advice we can give you is to learn from the past and not carry old "baggage" into the new life you envision for yourself. Here are 4 ideas to help you move forward in a more empowering way: 
Tip 1: Never look at a relationship (or anything else) that hasn't worked out as a failure Often it's the seed of a current or past "failure" that fuels you to the very success that you've always dreamed of. It sounds trite, but there's always something you can learn from every experience. Past relationships give you a clearer picture of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship if you take the time to examine them. It's the power of contrast that living in an unfulfilling relationship can give you that can lead to you creating the relationship that you do want. What we've learned is that if a relationship has ended, it is not a bad thing or a failure that our society likes to label it. It just may be that you have learned what it is that you were supposed to learn by being with that other person and it's time to move on to other "lessons." It might also be a chance for both people to look at what happened and to learn to "do it differently" the next time. 
Tip 2: Turn from the past and look toward the future ...YOUR future It's easy to get stuck in the past when a relationship ends. You will begin to heal and move forward when you begin thinking and writing about what you want for your life, today and in the future. Setting goals is very important in this process of turning to your new life. The famous motivational speaker, Zig Ziglar said that he had never met a truly depressed person who had goals for his/her life and we know that this is true. Take some time right now to create some new goals for your new life and then start taking small steps toward those goals. 
Tip 3: Take responsibility for your part--no more and no less When a relationship ends, very often we want to assign fault and blame, either to ourselves or to the other person. When you are in a healthy relationship with another person, both people are equally responsible for the relationship. If a relationship ends, the same thing usually applies. No matter who appears to be at fault when challenges come up, both people are responsible. You can only heal when you let go of assigning "fault" and "blame" and focus on what you want to change about yourself and what you want to create in a relationship. This can be a very difficult process if you are hanging on to the need to be right, anger, judgments and unexpressed resentments. Taking responsibility means accepting what's true about what you have or have not contributed to the relationship that ended and considering what you intend to contribute to relationships in the future. 
Tip 4: Learn from and give thanks for the lessons that you learned and change your attitude As painful as it is to hear, the truth is that everything in your life (including your relationships) is a result of the choices you have made up until now. If you don't like the circumstances in your life or relationships, decide to make other choices. This could mean changing your attitude from blame to acceptance. It could mean opening up to bringing new people into your life. It could mean deciding to be a better person in your current relationships. It could mean being grateful for what you have. Being grateful for where you are and what you've learned will be a positive movement toward creating what you want in your life. Change your attitude and you will change your life. When a relationship ends, it's tempting to close down and vow never to get in another relationship again or even rush into a new relationship. Instead, we invite you to take the time to learn from past relationships, be in gratitude for where you are and start moving toward the relationships and life that you really want.
** To comment on this article or to read comments about this article, go here. About the Author: Susie and Otto Collins are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, married partners and authors of several books and courses on relationships including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" and "No More Jealousy." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship newsletter visit http://www.CollinsPartners.com. ------------------------------------------------------------ 
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Book Review: The Hidden POWER of Your Past Lives - By Sandra Anne Taylor *** ------------------------------------------------------------

Have you ever wondered why certain life patterns have been so hard to turn around? Well, the reasons may be encoded in your eternal history--in karmic sources that were set lifetimes ago. Perhaps you keep struggling with money problems, feel hopeless about finding true love, or have an addiction you can't seem to beat. These current issues could be traced back to previous lives. Even psychological and physical ailments such as chronic pain, allergies, weight problems, and self-doubts could originate in unknown past events. Yet these past-life sources don't have to remain a mystery--or have any power over you anymore! In this enlightening and truly liberating book, New York Times best-selling author Sandra Anne Taylor explores the energy of karma and reincarnation, revealing how your eternal consciousness can become encoded, influencing your destiny today. When you learn how to release and rescript your karma, you can pave the way to joy and personal power--now and in years to come! ***** The list price of this book is $17.95. To purchase it from Amazon.com at a price of $12.15, a 32% discount, go here.

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*** Inspirational News Story of the Week *** ------------------------------------------------------------ * Texas Teen Keeps Young Cancer Patients Connected * Now fortunately cancer-free, Caitlyn Mortus says her experience inspired her to establish Keep Kids Connected, a non-profit organization "connecting to the power of social healing," which provides computers to children up to 18 years old who are battling cancer and other life-threatening illnesses. Go here for the complete news story. =============================================

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